Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
