I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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