can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
dude. I can hear the air.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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