Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
