Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
