I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
