you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just high enough for therapy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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