Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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