dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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