I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Let's paint friendship bongs
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
