Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
