There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
