I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
