What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
