Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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