dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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