somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
