Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
