I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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