fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
