Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
