last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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