do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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