I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
