He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
