he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
