Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
