apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
