Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
