On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
