my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
