You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
