I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's blow job season.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
