Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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