wrigley field is MILF paradise
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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