Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
