found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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