im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
