last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
