i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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