I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
