awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
