Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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