I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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