dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
