wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
