Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sarcasm needs its own font
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
