Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
