There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
