i was born a porn star she said
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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