please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
